Inevitably seasonal depression will sneak up on me every year. It’s like a bad cold, always there, always waiting. This week has been particularly bad. What it feels like to me is a complete numbness of the brain. Nothing gives me pleasure, nothing satisfies, it’s just like the outer areas are in a state of atrophy and I can feel the gray matter just deaden. I’m not sure what causes it. I think that’s the most distressing part. Where does it come from? Is it hormonal? Is it astrological? Is it emotional. Logically I can tell myself that it is a period of time when I see the least amount of sun. Also coming back to earth after visiting my parents in Utah always seems to be difficult. The visits there set off the early gatekeeper in my brain that whispers (or more like hisses) “you’re not good enough, you are bad, you aren’t doing the right things… etc. etc.” Back in the day I used to think if you dove into your scriptures and God hard enough you could dodge those thoughts – but in hindsight, they were always there. No matter how much God or church or religious flogging I was pursuing at the time.

Maybe one of the reasons I’m feeling this way is my inability to act at the moment. I feel this arrested development. A complete paralysis to life. I’m not sure what movements to make, which path is correct. I almost know what to do, but keep defaulting to my well known grooves. This is frustrating and at the end of the day (each day) I feel exhausted, defeated, and very alone. And I am watching my life and the lives of everyone else zoom by helplessly. What to do, what to do…

Well I know what I started before that helped was simply this – writing to no audience. Just my Poe-esque rumination and mutterings to an empty street. It’s alright though. It makes me feel better. Even just a little bit.

Gratitude:

1. Despite all the Cs – my son is doing well socially. He’s growing, he’s bright, he’s healthy. I wish I could help him with math. (maybe should get a tutor)
2. The cat is alll-right. Despite the unpleasantness of the litter box, I am really growing attached to this creature. He follows me around like a dog. He’s a soothing presence at night. He wakes with me in the morning. I now know why single ladies like cats. He’s pretty much perfect.
3. Despite my brain deadness, my belatedness (thanks to the beer habit I’ve formed and am desperate to break) – I feel relatively well. No major aches and pains. Slept good last night.
4. I’m grateful for my job. It’s emotional to be around people all day. Especially some that aren’t so nice. But I’m so happy that I have the job that I have. I’m very luck to work with the people that I do (even the not so nice ones).

Intentions:

1. I’m not going to struggle too hard with my mood. I’ll just let it be. Feel it and hopefully it will pass.
2. In the meantime I will watch my diet carefully.
3. Of course the beer – my complicated overuse of it has caught up and that is probably the major cause of my serotonin tank. Was hoping to move to moderation (drink only with company and never more than 2 drinks in a sitting is the goal). If I can’t do that I might have to do straight up abstinence – which is so sad. I love beer so much for the history, the craft of brewing, the pleasantness of the buzz… but also it makes me bloated, depressed, and adds about 20 lbs to my small frame when I’m drinking too much. All things to consider.

There you have it – a big juicy blog about my ever present demon depression (who is such a close companion to its ever present partner, Anxiety) – oddly they are never in the same room at the same time.

xoxo