I’ve got to stop surfing the net before I make my morning post. It’s the modern version of the 70’s housewife valium induced blackout. I forget exactly what I am doing and why I am doing it and wake up lipstick askew watching a cat video with a slightly open mouth.

Intent: Git er’ done today. Making a slight suggestion to my subconscious to drink more water and be slightly less emotional today than yesterday.

Gratitude: I’m so grateful that I have a son who is delightfully into furry costumes and blissfully unaware of what they are used for.

Oh and that amazing sunset last night. I’m alive. I’m breathing. Life – is – good.

If I had advices for my younger self or other girls becoming women it would be this: Be kind and do your best. It can be exhausting being a woman in America. You have the heavy expectations of yourself, of other women, and of men. We battle with our sexuality every day at work. If you come in too dressed up there is always the potential of being slut-shamed and unsolicited attention. If you dress down you are subject to a worse fate – being ignored altogether.

Climbing that ladder is really a climb with a clear up-skirt shot. We cannot be seen only for our competency – because no matter how many pant suites you own, your “yoni” will always be there. You are going to be subjected to not only heavy, hard and fast, competition but seething jealousy. Competition can be healthy motivation, but jealousy is toxic and unproductive.

How do I make all of this into a fist-pump positive statement for women advancing in their careers?

How do I not wail from the rooftop that the minute you pull ahead of the pack it is the women around you (not always the men) that will try to hold you back?

How do I tell them that if you want to be successful, you may find yourself alone and excluded and the topic of gossip and scorn?

That the women, who should be supporting each other, are making fun of your clothes, your mannerisms, your sex life, your physicality, your double chin, and your ass! I know this to be true because I’ve done it! And with brutal accuracy. I’ve torn apart mentors and even friends when I have seen an opening to get-in-where-I-can-fit-in. I am so ashamed of this now. And I know that at the core of it there is a deep biological force to establish hierarchy and secure resources, like the hunter lionesses that we are – but that doesn’t make me feel better – because I should be better.

So advice, it is so hard for me to give. Because women, like men, can be wonderful and aiding and warm and compassionate and also brutal, mean, and toxic. Flip the coin and hope that you don’t end up under the tender loving care of the Dragon Lady or Queen Bee or worse, be that.

So my advice for women during women’s month is this:

Don’t be like that. Don’t be like Susan. (Unless we are talking about Susan B. Anthony).

I recently visited my son’s school for Career Day where I got to get up in front of a class of 50 or so 11-year olds and pretend that I’m an adult. What a scary idea, me giving career advice that could possibly change the course of some poor 5th grader’s life. My brain kept flashing back to my college choice that was mainly made by the offering of a free pencil and a $500 scholarship. Facepalm my life and all of my early decisions.

When we got to Q&A the children delighted me with many honest and great questions. Like:

• Where do you go on your break? (um… somewhere where there is food usually)
• Have you ever wanted to quit your job for just one reason? (just one?!)
• How many other jobs have you worked? (Around 9. Close to the number of my sexual partners, coincidentally. Just kidding… or am I?)
• What other job have you worked? (McDonalds. And I rocked it in the drive through until a lie about a flat tired got me knocked down a notch.)

The best question is always the hardest to answer. And it was this:

What is the hardest part of your job.

My answer: “Monday”

I asked the kids if it was hard for them too and one bright student said “it’s like I’m duct taped to my bed”.

That was me. This morning. And lately every morning.

Intent:

My intent for today is to be quiet and peaceful inside of myself. To listen to others and not contribute to the confusion, posturing, and general chaos of the environment.

Gratitude:

I’m grateful for the opportunity to go on the “Trail Run – aka night hike/careful walk/scramble” at Bootleg Canyon this weekend. It was cold, windy, dirty, refreshing, invigorating, and at some points hard, but totally worth it.

One hazard of getting into reading about philosophy and mythology is that eventually you find yourself – and it ain’t always pretty. I’ve really only got about five minutes to sum this up before I have to get into the shower. At the current moment my 11-year old son is slumbering comfortably in my bed. Yes, my bed. I was in a vile, unproductive mood last night. It always begins with the thought “tired” in my head. You should “rest” my brain says, my body says lie down and take a little nap. Instead I sit on the couch and troll Netflix while my son does the same with youtube in the other room. I don’t want to disturb him because he’s been frighteningly irritable as of late and any disruption from me to nudge or guide him into productivity is met with such opposition and hatred that I have began wanting to avoid it (and sometimes him) at all costs.

This statue has incredible breasts btw… 

He’s been suffering from a cold and yesterday I cattle prodded him to school. He only has 9.5 days left that he can take before they get serious with his truancy and the only thing I am more of afraid of right now than him, is his school. Please don’t kick him out for having too many colds… So last night I put him to bed and he popped up and said he couldn’t sleep and lumbered into my room, instead of telling him no, or moving him, I slept in his bed last night. So now the little beast slumbers on in my room… and I know that in about 3 minutes I will have to wake the monster. And in reality I know that I am the one who has created this whole bloody situation.

I love my son so much. That is the weird part of this whole thing. I still lay awake at night worried about his past, present, and future. I think he’s charming, bright, funny and adorable with his clear green eyes, tousled mousey brown hair and athletic gait. I’m even proud of him when he stands up to me. I know he has a backbone and very healthy boundaries. But it’s like dealing with a lion, all muscle, appetite and angst. And I am again reminded that I’m a one-legged stool. Rare that I have back-up and I know that I have created this situation as well. With some help from society and my naïvety into how relationships, career, and babies work. And let’s be real, how I work. I have a gigantic OFF switch that immediately flips when I get into the car to go home from work at night.

Not sure how to fix that. So anyway – the duality of my single motherhood. Dragon lady, dragon son… both bound to each others survival for the time being. Both dreading and loving the other.

Intent today: Don’t put on the big snooze tonight. Don’t be vile. Rest when the work is done.

Have compassion for myself and for my son (even if we are running into cold and truancy season).

Gratitude: I’m grateful for having a curious and analytical mind. I just wish I didn’t see so much of myself in this maniacal creature pictured above. 🙂

In an effort to bring back a positive morning ritual (other than my useless scrolling of Facebook, etc.) I am going to do a blog a day. This is a declaration of intent. Whether or not I do it is of course is always questionable. It is so hard to change yourself. So easy to just roll into the stream of who you are and just continue to drift. But I’ve been drifting for about 30 years now and I need to continue to fight the “Big Snooze” – Netflix and booze and the continued deterioration of my vocabulary and spelling. Perhaps I can do it this time. There may just be a little fire in the belly left. I would like to move my health line even more into the green and bail on my growler a night habit. I am grateful for the homicidal rage and dependency that I have developed with my need to relax (set dial to high frequency sarcasm).

Day 1:

Intention (1 lb of effort this week):

I intent to be kind today. To not let my irritation, resentment, and anger get the better of me. To not be a vicious gossip nor a panty revealing pansy. I will try dear God, to find the meaning and purpose in my grind. I will eat as healthy as I can. I will stop eating/drinking @ 7 pm tonight (lets see if all these intentions work out – don’t worry I’ll recap for you tomorrow).

Gratitude:

I am insanely grateful that me, my son, and my family are healthy and alive. I am painfully aware that everything still works, vision is fine, no cancer fires raging, no debilitating injuries, no migraines, etc. I am happy with that.

I am grateful for hot water, employment, a car I love, and a soft friend at home. I am happy that my son goes to a good school and has really good friends.

There – there is all the cheese, gratitude, and intent I can muster. Hari-Krishna, Namastae, Mahhhalo, annd publish.