One hazard of getting into reading about philosophy and mythology is that eventually you find yourself – and it ain’t always pretty. I’ve really only got about five minutes to sum this up before I have to get into the shower. At the current moment my 11-year old son is slumbering comfortably in my bed. Yes, my bed. I was in a vile, unproductive mood last night. It always begins with the thought “tired” in my head. You should “rest” my brain says, my body says lie down and take a little nap. Instead I sit on the couch and troll Netflix while my son does the same with youtube in the other room. I don’t want to disturb him because he’s been frighteningly irritable as of late and any disruption from me to nudge or guide him into productivity is met with such opposition and hatred that I have began wanting to avoid it (and sometimes him) at all costs.

This statue has incredible breasts btw… 

He’s been suffering from a cold and yesterday I cattle prodded him to school. He only has 9.5 days left that he can take before they get serious with his truancy and the only thing I am more of afraid of right now than him, is his school. Please don’t kick him out for having too many colds… So last night I put him to bed and he popped up and said he couldn’t sleep and lumbered into my room, instead of telling him no, or moving him, I slept in his bed last night. So now the little beast slumbers on in my room… and I know that in about 3 minutes I will have to wake the monster. And in reality I know that I am the one who has created this whole bloody situation.

I love my son so much. That is the weird part of this whole thing. I still lay awake at night worried about his past, present, and future. I think he’s charming, bright, funny and adorable with his clear green eyes, tousled mousey brown hair and athletic gait. I’m even proud of him when he stands up to me. I know he has a backbone and very healthy boundaries. But it’s like dealing with a lion, all muscle, appetite and angst. And I am again reminded that I’m a one-legged stool. Rare that I have back-up and I know that I have created this situation as well. With some help from society and my naïvety into how relationships, career, and babies work. And let’s be real, how I work. I have a gigantic OFF switch that immediately flips when I get into the car to go home from work at night.

Not sure how to fix that. So anyway – the duality of my single motherhood. Dragon lady, dragon son… both bound to each others survival for the time being. Both dreading and loving the other.

Intent today: Don’t put on the big snooze tonight. Don’t be vile. Rest when the work is done.

Have compassion for myself and for my son (even if we are running into cold and truancy season).

Gratitude: I’m grateful for having a curious and analytical mind. I just wish I didn’t see so much of myself in this maniacal creature pictured above. 🙂