My life is a mandala of sorts. It’s a cycle of me getting on the wagon, falling off the wagon, wash-rinse-repeat. It seems that I have been battling the same tendencies my whole life. Once I rise above it and start feeling better the little Golum I have living inside of me will creep out and toss the house and all the hard work I’ve put into it.

For instance. I’ve been doing pretty well on my new Keto-diet. Hell I’ve even been enjoying the additional vegetables, the energy, the clearer skin and of course the 5 lbs. weight drop (my pants fitting better). So of course what do I do? Burn the house down in two day? That’s what I do.

I buy two 6-packs of beer, eat a pile of my son’s Doritos and chocolate chip cookies, and sit on the couch feeling sorry for myself because I just drank beer, ate Doritos and cookies, and didn’t do my workout. This makes no sense to me. I don’t even really enjoy those foods! I’ve been ready and willing to give up drinking for good for years.

I’ve purchased books by Alan Carr (Easy Way to Quit Drinking), Annie Grace (This Naked Mind), and The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (Jack Canfield, Dave Andrews). I mean, short of actually committing to counseling and/or rehab – I’ve seriously been considering an alcohol free lifestyle. But I know I would really miss my craft beer and occasional glass of wine, so I keep trying to find a happy medium between weeknight habitual beer guzzling and abstinence.

And usually just when I’ve found my sweet spot, I take a sudden and total nose dive into Bacchus like territory. It’s never enough, one drink, one cookie, one episode of Netflix. I go all in. Until the next day when I surface like this, bloated, sad, and afraid to zip up my pants or step on that scale. I repent and will do better today but it’s hard to keep yo-yo-ing like this.

How do I stay on the path? How do I stop the cycle and continue in a good trajectory (despite the bumps and trials of life?). Maybe I should check with Jack Canfield.

But, but, but… why if it feels more like you are dying. Not unlike me I have an obsession with scary situations, death in particular. There is a street corner about a block from me which seems to be accumulating a body count. A 13 year old girl was killed making her way to 7-11 and then this week a father of 6 attempted to cross the road there as well and was hit by not one, but two cars.

Death is like bombs going off in the distance that appear to be getting closer and closer every minute and every year. Your mom likes to ominously say “This may be the last time we do [insert activity here] or see [insert person’s name here]” too frequently these days. Of course she has been saying that ever since she started getting a senior discount, but lately it’s rang a bit too true.

It’s not the death that I’m afraid of. It’s the incompleteness of my life I find so hard. It’s all the hours on the couch, drinking beer, watching old seasons of Hell’s Kitchen and Survivor that I’m finding hard to justify. Sure we all need our downtime, but will those activities highlight my eulogy. I need to pay more attention at work. I need to pay more attention to my son. I need to pay more attention in general.

Or at the end of the day I need to accept that this is me. Drive hard, soft, and just be okay with a simple existence.

I’m grateful to be alive. I’m happy to be here on this planet today.