Not saying I’ve actually been trying to do something good – at all. It’s been about 24 months since I’ve had a regular gym routine. About 4 years since I followed an eating plan and about 14 years since I’ve been my “ideal weight”. New norm much lately?

But — is this survival. I had another scare again where I contemplated an explosive end to my source of income. Every layoff survived, every volatile interaction makes me realize how delicate this situation really is. I mean you don’t need much to survive… only about 7,000 or so a month… hahah… hahaha… no really… it’s close to that.

Merica amiright?

I could give up my cable, car, facials, hair coloring, clothing, beer, food, utilities, braces, child care, health care, heat, toiletries… cat food. I mean – we used to live in caves (but now that’s illegal except in California).

What to do, what to do? Focus on what? Diet? CPTSD? Love Addiction? Food Addiction? Alcohol Addiction? Budgeting… Fitness? Meditation? FUCK… everything… everything… feels like a self-improvement novel. 

I feel like the Victorians didn’t stress so much – take your Laudanum, have a rest on the fainting couch and CHILL already. Everything will work out until you die of typhoid or something else ghastly at the ripe age of 32…

Thus the problem… now I’m 41? What do?

Try to do something “good” everyday.

So captain’s log – day 1:

1. Blogged
2. 10 deadlifts, 10 kettlebell swings, 10 squats…
3. Applied for one job
4. Cleaned out my desk a little
5. Tried to not buy anything new except for Trader Joe’s stuff (I mean come on… that Chinese 5 Spice Salad and Cheese tapas plate – that shit is good)

Intent for tomorrow – 10-20 minute morning jog (if not I will be punished by making it an evening jog.)

Maybe blog again.

Not fantasize too much about all that vacancy in my life.